


All this time I’ve been afraid, wouldn't let it show

by Toomanyfandoms99



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drunk Castiel, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 03:41:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13989732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toomanyfandoms99/pseuds/Toomanyfandoms99
Summary: Castiel has never felt so done in his entire existence.He decided to act like a human, and go out drinking at a bar.  He knew why people went to bars: to help numb the pain and forget about problems.Castiel had so many problems.  And most of them were of the Dean Winchester variety.





	All this time I’ve been afraid, wouldn't let it show

**Author's Note:**

> The title was taken from the song “Battle Cry” by Imagine Dragons.

Castiel has never felt so done in his entire existence. 

He decided to act like a human, and go out drinking at a bar. He knew why people went to bars: to help numb the pain and forget about problems.

Castiel had so many problems. And most of them were of the Dean Winchester variety.

Gabriel appeared beside Castiel as he sat at the bar, on his second beer of the night. Cas had known that Gabriel was alive for years. The only other people who knew were the Winchesters.

Gabriel read Cas’s mind immediately. “Is it Dean?”

Cas sighed. “It’s…everything.”

“But especially Dean?”

“Yeah.”

Gabriel looked truly sympathetic on his behalf, Cas noticed. Gabriel said, “I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. I know that you love him.”

Cas wanted to gasp at the words that he was afraid to voice being spoken aloud so casually, but he deflated instead. “Don’t start on me,” Cas said bitterly.

“I wasn’t going to. I just feel...bad, I guess.”

After a third beer, Gabriel got in on the drinking. When they reached a fourth, Cas requested Fireball shots, three for each of them. If Castiel was going to talk and process all of his feelings, he needed to be drunk. 

At least he didn’t take five shots this time.

Gabriel and Cas drank the shots eagerly. The seraphim was surprised that the archangel wasn’t admonishing him for drinking. It’s not like Gabriel was one to talk about stellar habits, he supposed. When they moved to a fifth beer, Cas felt the effects of the alcohol finally taking hold. 

Gabriel chugged another beer and said, “I’m ready to hear your woes, Cassie.”

Castiel snorted and focused on the alcohol working its way through his body.

He was feeling particularly ballsy. He knew what he was about to do was frowned upon, but screw it.

Cas put his hands in a prayer motion, his elbows on the bar table, and began. “Hello, Father. It’s Castiel. I know you created me to be different from the other angels. I know that you gave me the full spectrum of human emotions. I know that I must have been some experiment to you. That’s what I am, right? An experiment. You gave me the ability to love and hate, despite knowing that I would be tortured and looked down upon for being different. For the longest time, I thought that everything was my fault, my mistake. Then you gave me a task: save the Righteous Man. And I did. I did what you asked, but I rebelled. You gave me emotions, and you knew that I would fall in love with Dean, that I would rebel for him. Even now, after everything Dean’s done to hurt me, after everything I’ve done to hurt him, I still love him. I suppose I started this prayer with a question: why would you create me, an angel with emotions and free will, and make me fall in love with a man who will never love me back?” Castiel took a breath, holding back tears. “That’s an awfully cruel joke, Father.” Castiel broke his prayer stance and let another beer set his throat on fire. 

When Cas finally looked back at the archangel, Gabriel was speechless.

He was probably surprised by the severity of Cas’s feelings. Cas had been completely gone for Dean since they first locked eyes in Hell. And there was nothing Cas could do about it.

Gabriel finally said, “I wish that I could help you. I can feel your heartbreak, Cassie. It hurts me a little too.”

Castiel sighed. “I just...I hate having to hide this. I hate looking at Dean and knowing that he doesn’t see me, you know? I feel like I’m lying to him, by keeping my feelings from him. It’s ridiculous.” Cas motioned for a fourth Fireball shot and another beer. Maybe he’d get to five shots after all. He downed the shot and savored the familiar burn in his stomach.

“I think I know what you mean,” Gabriel said. “I wish I could say that telling Dean is a good idea, but-”

“I know,” Cas said. “I’m trying to make peace with the fact that we can never be together.” He downs a beer. “That doesn’t make it any less hard though.”

“I understand,” Gabriel said softly. “I hate seeing my baby brother in pain.”

Cas saw the truth of that statement reflected in his brother's eyes. It wasn’t often that Gabriel played the role of protective older brother, but it made Castiel oddly happy to see that side of him now.

“There’s something I want you to know, though,” Gabriel said. “I want you to know that this isn’t your fault.” Cas snickered, but Gabriel said, “I’m serious. Just because Dean doesn’t love you doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. You’re actually the best angel Father created because of your emotions and your compassion for humans.”

Cas finished another beer. “It sure doesn’t seem that way from my perspective.”

Gabriel exhaled deeply. “I wish I had the answers, Cassie. I’m glad you’re getting this all off your chest, at least. That’s a good thing.”

“I suppose this is some twisted form of self-healing,” Cas acquiesced. 

“Not twisted,” Gabriel reminded him, “healthy. And it’s not like Dean controls you. Loving him is not your defining characteristic. You control yourself.”

Castiel made a noise of surprise. “That was actually good advice.”

“It was a good reminder,” Gabriel corrected. He drank a beer and said, “remember that, okay? You can do this.”

Castiel nodded, feeling like he wanted to cry. “Thank you Gabe. This kind of...helped.”

Gabriel huffed. “Don’t act so surprised. I’m a good brother, okay?”

Castiel smiled genuinely. “You are.” 

Gabriel smiled back. “Can we talk about something else now?”

They spent the rest of the night catching up. Cas milked the opportunity to forget about Dean for all it was worth.

In the morning, Castiel would have to go back to pretending.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated!


End file.
